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Is there anyway to fix my hopeless marriage?

Such question is on mind of many wives and husbands whom seem to have lost hope in their marrigae and tired of trying anymore to fix their relationship. Some of such couples only limit their solution by asking another couples or friend who might not himself or herself have the best of the relationship at the first place. Some others approach lawyer etc. Both these approaches are not always gives the fruitful result.  Its human nature when it comes to others troubled relationship, to become an expert on others relationship but themselves hardly can fix their own.  One cannot judge rationally when only hear one side of the story and not both parties. It is an old saying, it takes two to tango. Meaning most of these troubled marriages are cause by both partners. Of course there are cases that one brings more trouble than the other in relationship. For example, not all extra-marital affairs are caused only due to lust or wanting to have a fresh relationship. In my practice of marriage therapy with many of such couples, I found mostly both parties contributed to such unfair act by not communicating their difference or needs, and held on to their anger for long time till finally one for both gave up. When a fresh person came along with little or better look, some tenderness and understanding, suddenly started to compromise his or her marriage and wasted years of emotional investment in it. 

 

Some of these marriages might have been started for the wrong reasons at the first place. Being a romantic man, of course love is the first reason for couple to bond for lifetime, but not all lovers end up in marriage. For relationship to survive just like a tree need constant water otherwise will be wasted.  In fact is not the marriage or relationship which is the problem but by both parties negative psychological contributions.  For relationship to lasts requires constant nurturance, care, understanding, trust, compromising, constantly communicating, having intimacy and satisfying sexual relationship, having or developing similar interest, and sacrifice. Some basic financial security can also help but not extremely crucial.  Not all above have to be 100 percent perfect but couples need to do their outmost to nurture the tree of their relationship.

Sometimes couples might even engage in using their innocent child in middle of their conflict and problems for a quick fix. Of course it often will not help and will end up compromising their child’s healthy emotional development. For instance excusing the fact that he or she did not fit him or her and if it wasn’t for the poor child he might have left her long time ago. I would like to ask this person, how was your relationship before birth of your child. I assume to high percentage it was not “a heaven” at the first place. So I advise strongly not to bring the child in the middle of your own troubles and focus only on yourself and your relationship with your partner and find the solution to your troubles by getting a professional help “a psychologist” to help you understand the problems and intervene before it is too late.

 

Tips for health and happy relationship:

-Communicate with each other clearly

-When communicating listen carefully to what your partner or spouse says

-When communicating with each other, try to put your foot in his or her shoes and see how he or she feels

-Be a little creative and romantic in expressing your warm feeling to each other. It doesn't have to be expensive gifts or 50 roses!  One is enough but often as a nice surprise!

-In sickness or health be for each other

-Don’t measure love only with material things

-Take often and short trips together, it could be as simple as going to park and enjoy the nature

-Every often have a little honey moon

-Share with your partner the daily affairs and support each other with disappointments

-Don't use your child in middle of your personal relationship difficulties

-Develop interest which both can enjoy

-Nurture each other and grow together

-Don't rush to blame each other before you know all the facts

-Don’t read or guess each other’s mind, ask!

-Learn to be generous in your emotional expression and learn how to forgive

-Don’t go to bed with anger, talk it out

Finally not every couple can resolve their marital problems by themselves. If you feel stuck, seek psychological individual and marriage therapy to save your marriage and your children happiness.

Wish you both getting gray hair together in happy and healthy way.

Dr.Mike Mehrvarz

* About The Doctor

Dr. Mike Mehrvarz 

 

Dr. Mike Mehrvarz is from United States. He is a Chinese licensed child and adult psychologist. He has extensive training and experience in psychological assessment and treatment of adult, pediatric and children from birth to 18. He treats most psychological problems without using any medicine.

 

Dr. Mehrvarz received his Master and Ph.D. degrees in U.S. Later he completed Postdoctoral fellowships in Behavior Medicine, Pain Management, and Postdoctoral training in Neuropsychology in U.S. Dr. Mehrvarz received training under renowned and pioneer professor in the field of Psychological treatment, Psychological and Neuropsychology assessment, Biofeedback, treatment of ADD and ADHD including Dr. Ralph M. Reitan, Dr. Deborah Wolfson, Dr. Albert Ellis, Dr. Aaron T. Beck, Dr. Arthur Freeman, Dr. Russell A. Barkley, and more. Dr. Mehrvarz has been working in China over 20 years. He speaks fluent Chinese Mandarin and is quite familiar with Chinese culture. He is a visiting professor of Psychology in Chinese Academy of Science- institute of Psychology, several Chinese medical universities and local hospitals.

 

Dr. Mehrvarz conducts treatment in English, Chinese Mandarin, Farsi and conversational Japanese.